SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– Only days after Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from Congress, local resident and former convict, Jimmy “Sticky Fingers” Jenkins, has announced his candidacy for the U.S. Congress. Jenkins, who boasts an impressive 17 felony convictions, including armed robbery, identity theft, money laundering, extortion, and assault with a deadly weapon, believes his extensive criminal history makes him the perfect addition to the nation’s capital.
“I’ve spent my whole life perfecting the skills that Washington needs,” Jenkins said in a press conference. “I can pick a lock in under 30 seconds, hotwire a car in 10, and I’ve got a PhD in tax evasion. Who better to navigate the swamp of D.C. than someone who’s spent 10 years in the state pen?”
Jenkins’ campaign slogan, “Vote for Me, I Promise To Rob You Legally,” has resonated with voters who are tired of politicians who “talk the talk but can’t walk the walk.” His platform includes promises to “drain the swamp” by stealing from the rich and giving to the poor (himself), and to “make crime pay” by legalizing identity theft and drug trafficking.
When asked about his qualifications, Jenkins pointed to his experience running a meth lab in his basement, which he claims gave him “valuable experience in budgeting and supply chain management.” He also cited his time in prison, where he “learned how to make a shiv out of a toothbrush and how to smuggle contraband into the country.”
Jenkins’ opponents have criticized his candidacy, calling him “unfit for office” and “a menace to society.” But Jenkins remains confident, saying, “I’m not just a politician, I’m a professional. And if you elect me, I promise to bring my unique set of skills to the table and make Congress a better place for me and my fellow criminals in Washington.”
In related news, the FBI has announced that they will be monitoring Jenkins’ campaign closely, not because they’re concerned about his criminal history, but because they’re worried he might be even more corrupt than them.
