LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — California Democrats expressed outrage this week following a Department of Justice crackdown on election irregularities, fiercely condemning what they called a “blatant act of voter suppression” aimed at disenfranchising thousands of registered voters who do not exist.
The controversy erupted after federal investigators began examining allegations that voter registration forms were submitted using nonexistent addresses, vacant lots, freeway underpasses, cardboard boxes, and several residences located on the highly populated thoroughfare of Pinocchio Lane.
“This is a dark day for our democracy,” said a visibly shaking Governor Gavin Newsom, wiping away nonexistent tears. “By targeting these unregistered, non-human, and legally non-existent voters, the U.S. Attorney General and the Department of Justice are effectively engaging in the mass disenfranchisement of our most underrepresented hypothetical demographic.”
Newsom further claimed that the DOJ’s investigation is rooted in bigotry against the non-corporeal saying, “Every vote matters. Whether cast by a homeowner, a renter, or a completely fictional person who exists only on paper, all voices deserve to be heard.”
At press time, Democratic lawmakers were drafting emergency legislation granting full voting rights to imaginary voters, deceased voters, future voters, and several voters who have not yet been conceived but are expected to support the correct candidates once they eventually come into existence.
