NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– Thousands of beneficial rioters have been hired across the United States after Senate Democrats concluded that they fall under the category of essential workers, and have also introduced legislation aimed at giving them hazard pay.
Democrats said the move comes at the perfect time as millions of useless people across the country have lost their jobs due to being non-essential, with many unnecessary small businesses finally closing to make way for the continued growth of much-needed billion dollar corporations.
Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY), along with fellow Democrats, gave a press conference to announce the good news and has informed state governors that rioters are now deemed essential frontline workers that are immediately entitled to free health care, a $25,000 annual raise, and continued positive coverage by the mainstream media.
“Rioters are the backbone of this once great country,” Schumer said with a straight face as hundreds of peaceful people outside began burning the news reporter’s vans. “Democrats had to pull together and get the job done because of President Donald Trump’s incompetence at handling the economy during the coronavirus pandemic.”
Due to the dangers of the rioting profession, says Schumer, riot employees will be seeing a substantial increase in their paychecks to combat workplace hazards, such as fingers getting burned from starting fires, cuts from breaking glass, and sore throats from screaming epithets.
“These workers deserve to be treated properly,” Schumer added as smoke detectors began wailing. “These brave rioters are keeping our country operational in a time of the greatest need, and for that they deserve a special debt of gratitude.”
