SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– From inside of a local bar near her home, 85-year-old California Democrat Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from politics on Tuesday, marking the end of a 38-year career that will be remembered for its unparalleled level of corruption, impunity, and sheer audacity in the face of public scrutiny.
Nancy Pelosi, known for her ability to wield power while simultaneously avoiding accountability, said she was proud of her decades of corruption, citing a desire to finally enjoy the fruits of her criminal labor in a more private setting.
“It is with a heavy heart, but a full portfolio, that I announce my retirement from a life of crime,” Nancy Pelosi said in between sips from a flask. “I never thought I could make $120 million as a public servant, but here we are. I would like to personally thank all the rigged voting machines that kept me in office. I’m also proud of how I was able to convince Americans that insider trading is just ‘smart investing’ if you’re a Democrat.”
Sources close to Pelosi revealed that the decision was actually prompted by her realization that she had finally stolen enough money through insider trading to buy her own private island, ready to spend the rest of her life enjoying her unrealized capital gains.
Pelosi’s retirement comes as a surprise to many, who assumed she would continue to serve until her deathbed, at which point her husband Paul would wheel her corpse into Congress and vote for her in the same way as was done with Dianne Feinstein.
In related news, the FBI has announced that it will be closing its Pelosi Investigation Division, citing “lack of evidence” after 40 years of searching. The division’s 500 agents will be reassigned to oversee more pressing matters, such as making certain the Epstein files never see the light of day.
