BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS– A serious epidemic has taken a stranglehold over the city of Boston and the current mayor is putting the entire city in a state of Code: Red as the resident rodents have now become the fattest squirrels in the entire country.
Boston’s squirrel population has not only grown in numbers, but has also grown around the waistline, with the average squirrel now weighing an astounding 49.2 lbs.
Most squirrels around the country only weigh a meager 1.3 lbs on average, putting Boston’s rodent residents at a huge disadvantage in terms of health and mobility.
Rocky Scrat, the mayor of Boston who also happens to be a squirrel, says that the city is facing a dangerous problem due to so many obese squirrels lying around everywhere because they’re too fat to even move.
“This’s not only dangerous for our squirrel population,” Mayor Scrat told the Boston Nut newspaper, “but it’s also a major issue for our human population. With so many fat squirrels rolling around town, humans are finding themselves also at a disadvantage.”
The mayor went on to say that fat squirrels can’t move as quickly as skinnier ones, so squirrel and human fatalities have risen exponentially over the last few years due to things like obese squirrels blocking traffic.
“Squirrels are falling out of trees and can’t get up,” the mayor added. “After falling down onto the street, drivers of cars automatically panic when they see a 50 pound rodent drop in front of them, so their natural inclination is to swerve left or right, running into other vehicles.”
The mayor says that he plans on implementing new laws that will restrict animal-friendly humans from overfeeding the city’s squirrels. He says that due to so many human residents going healthy, they’re giving all the squirrels their old junk food snacks, like chips, cupcakes, candy, pizza, and pastries filled with lard.
“No offense, we appreciate it,” Mayor Scrat stated to the city’s humans as one of his interns handed him a few chocolate-covered peanuts.
