WARSAW, POLAND– Does your pet cat hold the much sought after cure for baldness in humans? Has the medical community been wasting too much time trying to cure baldness with pills, creams, and transplants? One unorthodox scientist from Poland definitely thinks so.
Dr. Szalony Człowiek has spent the last thirty-five years of his life unsuccessfully trying to find a cure for one of the worst afflictions known to man.
Baldness, or hair thinning in general, has been a bane for humans since the beginning of time. Recently unearthed records from the early Egyptians shows that the ancient people may have in fact discovered the cure for baldness thousands of years ago.
While on a sightseeing tour inside a pyramid in Egypt, Dr. Człowiek abandoned his group of tourists in search of a quiet place to take some LSD. That’s when he says that he saw two sets of hieroglyphics on a wall. The first set showed a cat licking the top of a bald man’s head and the second set showed the man with a now full head of lustrous hair.
“That discovery was the cat’s meow of discoveries,” joked Dr. Człowiek to a Science Daily reporter. “The way it works is unbelievably simple. A feline’s tongue has hooked papillae that act as a hairbrush to help clean and detangle a cat’s fur. These papillae contain keratin, which is also a necessary ingredient in human hair.
“By having a cat lick a bald human’s head,” the excited scientist went on, “it stimulate’s the area and increases blood flow, which in turn stimulate’s hair growth. That in conjunction with the keratin in the papillae that gets deposited onto the human’s scalp is what forces a once dead scalp to become thick and lustrous once again.”
Dr. Czlowiek stated that not all cat breeds are created equal, with some cats possessing a higher percentage oh hair growth abilities.
According to Dr. Człowiek, the most difficult part of the whole experiment was not proving that it worked, but it was trying to coerce the cats to keep licking the scalps of the humans long enough to make it effective.
“The feline tongue must have at least five minutes of contact a day with the scalp, which as we all know is quite the impossible task. To combat this, I have invented a fish-flavored oil that people can rub onto their scalp that I guarantee will attract the taste buds of even the finickiest of felines.”
A one week supply of the fish-flavored oil is available on “catlickhumanheadfishoil.com” for only $299 (US), plus shipping and handling. If for some reason a person doesn’t see any hair development within a month of treatment, Dr. Człowiek suggests that perhaps the LSD that he ingested while on his trip to Egypt caused him to imagine the entire ordeal.
