OLD SAYBROOK, CONNECTICUT– On Thursday, 132 year old Elmer Herman celebrated yet another birthday and the old man wants everybody to know he has no intention on making it to 133.
Elmer, who hates being called Elmer Fudd, says he celebrated his birthday the same way he has for the past 52 years, all alone because every single member of his family has been dead for decades.
The bittersweet birthday bash was held in the middle of the I-95 Freeway at 5 pm rush hour traffic. Elmer says that he usually celebrates his birthday in a dangerous location in the hopes that he’ll get killed and finally be put out of his misery.
“Pardon my French, but life stinks,” Elmer told passing cars on Thursday as they drove around the frail, wrinkled senior citizen in an effort not to hit him. “Don’t any of you youngsters have enough backbone to run over a miserable old man that wants to leave this God-forsaken planet?”
The seemingly spry Elmer has been married eight times, marrying a new woman every time the previous one died. Elmer’s nineteen children and many grandchildren have also passed away. Surprisingly, every one of his relatives died of natural causes.
“Even the town I live in is old,” Elmer said with a wrinkled scowl, referring to Old Saybrook. “My doctor tells me that he’s never seen someone at my age in such good health. In fact, he says that he’s never seen anyone at my age period.”
Not one to let life pass him by, every year Elmer takes a vacation to Detroit, Michigan and walks around the unsafe streets at night while wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood in the hopes that someone will just end his pain.
When asked what he wishes for every year when he blows out his birthday candles, Elmer just smiled and said, “The same thing for the last 52 years.”
