WASHINGTON — In a bold bid to maintain the illusion of relevance, the FBI has reportedly begun scouring local police blotters across the country for crimes it can pretend it solved, as the Bureau looks to bolster its record of successful investigations without having to actually conduct any.
According to sources, agents have been instructed to monitor local news reports, police department social media accounts, and county arrest logs for promising cases that have already been solved by other people.
“For too long, the FBI has wasted valuable time and resources actually investigating crimes,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “Under our new streamlined model, we have thousands of agents working around the clock to identify crimes that have already been solved. Once we find one, we can move quickly to announce that our relentless investigative efforts have led to an arrest.”
Sources said the Bureau’s new strategy has already yielded promising results, with agents reportedly identifying several high-profile arrests made by local police departments that the FBI had no involvement in whatsoever.
“Even though we don’t want to take anything away from local law enforcement, we just want people to understand that none of their apprehensions or solved cases would have been possible without the FBI also existing.”
At press time, the Bureau’s top behavioral profilers were reportedly working tirelessly in a war room analyzing a local neighborhood Watch app, attempting to determine if they could take credit for a missing cat that walked back into its owner’s garage on its own.
