WASHINGTON– It took investigators less than two weeks to finally locate the source of the leaks within the White House, officials confirmed, in what has now become known as Operation: KittyLeaks.
The FBI had originally put together a specialized mole-hunting team in an effort to catch the leaker, but eventually discovered that it wasn’t a mole doing the leaking after all.
The notorious leaker has been identified as a 7 year old tabby cat named Fluster, who made news last year when the feline was arrested for mauling its owner to death after being given a mind-altering medication.
Heading the KittyLeaks investigation is the FBI’s animal-crimes expert Hung Overton, who became famous after solving a case from Los Angeles involving former dog star Lassie.
“We finally caught the sick son-of-a-bitch who’s been leaking all over the White House floor,” said Overton to reporters. “Agents initially believed that a mole was the one doing the leaking in the White House, but after discovering that moles actually hate cat urine, we finally put two and two together and figured out why the White House smelled like cat urine all the time.”
After being arrested last year for homicide, Fluster the cat was eventually released on a technicality. How the Topeka, Kansas cat ended up in Washington still remains a mystery.
“We believe Fluster the cat illegally hopped aboard a plane after sneaking past TSA agents,” Overton added as he adjusted his women’s underwear. “We believe Fluster was working for an unknown source and was paid to sneak into the White House and urinate everywhere in an effort to cause mass chaos.
“Thankfully we caught this domestic terrorist cat before he brought down the entire country. It’s too bad White House personnel didn’t question earlier why a strange orange cat was seen strolling around the area lifting its leg every five minutes while giggling.”
It isn’t just leaking that Fluster is being accused of, says Overton. The cat is also being charged with numerous KittyLeaks dumps that threatened the security of many people’s shoes.
While chuckling, Overton added, “Imagine our chagrin when we finally figured out that the numerous, smelly brown piles all over the place were actually, in fact, cat feces and not chocolate candy. I was wondering why the chocolate tasted so funny. On a positive note, at least now I won’t feel guilty for ruining my no-sugar diet.”
For the first time in almost three weeks, all the White House windows have been closed.
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars