TOPEKA, KANSAS– A 59 year old Topeka woman was mauled to death early this morning by her pet cat after giving the frisky feline a Lunesta pill in an effort to calm him down.
According to the police report, Doris Higgins gave her 6 year old tabby cat Fluster a Lunesta pill from her own prescription bottle after growing tired of the feisty cat sleeping all day and lounging around the house.
“Miss Higgins died at approximately 2 AM this morning,” Topeka Officer Manny Dowell said softly into nine news microphones all at once. “Apparently the victim wanted to keep her rambunctious cat Fluster under control and to prevent him from wildly sleeping all day and getting up every once in a while to urinate in his litter box or take a sip of water.”
An emotional Officer Dowell cleared his parched throat and went on. “According to detectives, that’s when Miss Higgins proceeded to give Fluster one of her own Lunesta pills to sedate him so she could get some quiet sleep.
“At approximately 1:54 AM, the Lunesta pill took effect on Fluster and that’s when the cat got up and started sleepwalking, eventually making his way into the victim’s bedroom where he proceeded to scratch, bite and kick Miss Higgins until she passed away peacefully in her sleep from blunt-force trauma and cat-scratch fever.”
The highly addictive hypnotic Lunesta, which affects specific chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with sleep problems, has been documented on many occasions to cause humans to supposedly get up out of a deep sleep and commit various acts under a hypnotic state. Most of these individuals wake up the next morning with no clue that they had committed any of these activities.
“Lunesta is not for everyone,” warned 14 year old Dr. Doogie Howser, surgeon at Eastman Medical Center. “It can cause serious side effects that may impair someone’s thinking or actions, so there was no telling what the outcome would be after pumping the medication into an 8 pound feline with diabetes and hairballs.”
Currently, Fluster is being held at Topeka police headquarters for questioning. Fluster’s lawyer, Robert Shapiro, said in a statement that Fluster has no recollection of his actions this morning and that Fluster truly loved his owner Miss Higgins, even though she slipped him a date rape drug in an effort to seduce him.
UPDATE: A year later, Fluster the cat was arrested once again, this time inside the White House. Read more for further details.
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