Lassie’s Death Ruled Illuminati Hit Job

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA– Famous beloved dog actor Lassie’s unexplained death has finally been solved and has been ruled as an Illuminati hit job, according to new evidence discovered after digging up the collie’s grave to make way for another necessary mall parking lot.

In an effort to add a much needed mall parking lot next to another parking lot, a useless old pet cemetery was cleared away and workers on the parking lot project made a startling discovery. After throwing Lassie’s desiccated bones into an industrial trash can, worker Matt Sampson noticed something extraordinarily odd about the famous canine’s appearance.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw it,” 29 year old Sampson said, still shaken up. “When I threw Lassie into our trash can I noticed two bullet holes in the back of the old mutt’s skull. Now, I don’t know about you, but two bullet holes to the back of the head’s not the usual way for dog’s to commit suicide.”

In the official autopsy report filed back in 1958, morticians stated that Lassie died from asphyxiation due to a pink rope tied around his neck while masturbating inside a seedy motel closet.

After the discovery of the new evidence, the FBI reopened the Lassie case and started investigating, which eventually led the determined team of agents to discover that every famous animal star that died was the unfortunate victim of the Illuminati’s wrath. The head of the FBI’s Los Angeles field office Hung Overton gave news reporters the shocking report.

“Our evidence shows,” Overton told reporters, “that Lassie died from two gun shots to the back of the head, not from accidental death originally reported on the 1958 death certificate. It’s the FBI’s opinion that every major animal celebrity has fallen victim to the elusive, omniscient, omnipotent group known as the Illuminati.

“After agents dug up the remains of other celebrity animals,” Overton went on, “we discovered that every one of them had questionable deaths. This includes the Taco Bell Chihuahua, Comet the Retriever from ‘Full House’, Eddie the Jack Russell Terrier from ‘Frasier’, Mister Ed, Salem the cat, Flipper the dolphin and so on. Our research shows that these Illuminati animal-whackers have been knocking off famous animals as far back as Pete the Pit Bull from ‘Our Gang’.”

Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, reputable news sources are reporting that FBI agent Hung Overton wears women’s underwear.