ATLANTA, GEORGIA- With so many alleged sex scandals plaguing the world’s most trusted news network CNN, executives came up with the ingenious idea of creating another network called CNN 2.0 for the sole purpose of covering up all the crimes and scandals of the first network in the same way they coverup all the crimes and scandals of the Democratic party.
CNN 2.0 premiered early Thursday morning and their very first news story was about all the fake news reports that CNN president Jeff Zucker and his employees were involved in countless acts of sexual harassment, adultery, and other perverse activities that would make even Hunter Biden blush.
Ryan Skelter, the new CNN 2.0 host of Very Reliable Sources, took the place of former CNN Reliable Sources host Brian Stelter and told his audience that he swears he’s a totally different person and not just Brian Stelter wearing a fake-looking wig.
“Every employee at CNN is innocent and all the scandals are fake news, case closed,” said CNN 2.0 host Skelter as he readjusted his toupée. “These alleged accusations of improper behavior are merely a rightwing conspiracy theory perpetrated by former President Donald Trump and his band of meme-making trolls.”
Skelter brought on new blonde-haired host Dan Orange, who took the place of former CNN host Don Lemon. Orange told his ten viewers that everyone at CNN is a peaceful employee who politely harassed other coworkers.
“Everything that happens behind the scenes at CNN are improper but mostly peaceful scandals,” said Orange while CNN 2.0 president Geoff Cucker courteously fondled Skelter’s man boobs. “We only tell the truth here at CNN 2.0 in the same way they told the truth over at CNN.”
UPDATE: After this article was written, it was reported that CNN 2.0 employees were also forced to resign due to accusations of impropriety, causing executives to create another new network called CNN: Part 3 to cover up the crimes of both CNN and CNN 2.0.
