WASHINGTON — Expressing frustration with the slow pacing and boring dialogue of the current conflict with Iran, President Donald Trump announced on Sunday that the United States is officially pivoting its military strategy by contracting action film legend Steven Seagal to singlehandedly dismantle Iran’s entire military infrastructure in under two hours before the movie credits even roll.
Instead of relying on carrier strike groups or ground invasions, the Commander-in-Chief has awarded a no-bid defense contract to the 73-year-old actor, blues musician, and 7th-dan Aikido master Steven Seagal given the actor’s perfect track record of never losing a fight.
“Steven is tough, he’s strong, he’s never lost a fight in any of his movies, not once, not ever,” Trump told reporters during a press briefing in the Oval Office. “I said, ‘Steven, can you do it?’ and he looked at me , very hard, very intense, and he said, ‘I’m gonna take you to the bank. The blood bank.’ I don’t know what he meant, but it sounded incredible. Imagine the ratings this Iran war’s going to get.”
Seagal, who was present at the briefing, remained seated and spoke only in a raspy, barely audible whisper.
“The Ayatollah thinks he’s above international law,” Seagal mumbled, squinting menacingly at nothing in particular. “But he ain’t above mine.”
According to the Pentagon, the operation code-named Marked For Death: Iran Invasion, will involve Seagal being quietly dropped into Tehran wearing his signature black trench coat where he will proceed to defeat the Iranian military using a combination of aikido, vague moral authority, and the ability to throw grown men across rooms with minimal physical effort.
