WASHINGTON — Citing his deep commitment to public service, former President Joe Biden has generously volunteered his time to work as an unpaid TSA agent at major airports crippled by the ongoing government shutdown, telling reporters he just wants to get things moving again while spending the entire shift enthusiastically patting down female passengers.
According to officials, Biden arrived unannounced at a crowded airport security checkpoint early Monday morning, wearing a blue TSA uniform and declaring himself a natural fit for the hands-on part of the job due to his experience of groping women for the last 50 years.
“You smell like spring in Scranton, Pennsylvania,” Biden whispered to a female flight attendant as he patted down her waist. “You’re doing great, kid. Just hang in there. I’m just checking to see if you’re hiding any suspicious items somewhere under your honey almond-scented hair. Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’m an expert. I’ve been practicing this on my family for decades.”
Biden defended his involvement, stating that the country needs leaders willing to step in and get hands-on when things get tough.
Sources report that Biden has introduced several new policies, including extended screening times and showers in a private room with long-haired women under 25 years old for security reasons.
