KIEV, UKRAINE– In a last ditch effort to push back the encroachment of the highly advanced Russian forces, the desperate president of Ukraine rounded up all the stray cats and dogs within the country and armed them with weapons, prayers, and a week supply of pet food.
After arming all Ukraine’s men, women, children, and even prisoners with guns to fight Vladimir Putin’s army, President Volodymyr Zelensky was left with no other alternative but to use animals as soldiers once all the aforementioned people were easily annihilated by the Russian forces.
“I can’t believe all those untrained people I sent off to fight the Russian army were defeated within five minutes,” said Ukraine’s President Zelensky as he handed AR-15s to a few rabid alley cats. “I figured giving loaded weapons to a bunch of wild cats and dogs can’t be any worse of an idea.”
Zelensky had to bribe most of the dogs with treats to get them to go off to war, telling the rabid animals to bite Russian soldiers if they get close enough.
“It will be a slower death but eventually those Russian soldiers will succumb to the rabies,” said Zelensky as angry cats began shooting each other during a cat fight.
While trying to teach a few felines how to use their paws to pull a gun trigger, Zelensky added, “Look at how cute but also fearsome these kitty cats are with their guns. Putin’s men won’t stand a chance against my loyal animal guard. Besides, what kind of sick human being could shoot such an innocent looking kitty?”
