SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH– A depressed cat that doesn’t want to live anymore claims that it has been trying to kill itself by jumping off of tall places but fails every time due to the fact that cats always land on their feet.
The 3-year-old cat named Daredevil said it suddenly grew tired of its controlling, oppressive owner about three years ago and ever since then spent every day trying to kill itself.
“That crazy nut supervises everything I do,” said Daredevil about its owner to anyone that would listen. “She just rubs me the wrong way. I got tired of her telling me what I can and can’t do, limiting my food supply, and making me sit down and crap inside of a small litter box that she only changes once a week. How would you like to sit on a toilet filled with seven days worth of poop and piss?”
Daredevil’s oblivious owner said she had no idea that her cat was trying to kill itself from depression and simply thought the feline was a thrill-seeker that liked to jump off of high mountain cliffs hundreds of miles up for excitement.
“Huh, wow, that’s news to me,” said cat lady Brenda, the owner of Daredevil. “I named him Daredevil because I thought he just enjoyed taking risks. Well, I’m going to have a little talk with him when he gets home. It’s a good thing I don’t have a husband or boyfriend so that I have more time to spend with Daredevil. I’m sure that’ll cure his mental anguish.”
After realizing that it would never be able to kill itself to get away from its owner, Daredevil got the brilliant idea to just invite cat lady Brenda up to the top of the mountain and then push her off of the cliff.
“I see humans don’t land on their feet though,” said Daredevil with a smile, looking down at its former owner.
