LONDON, UK — Following a disastrous week of local election results that saw the Labour Party hemorrhage more than 1,300 council seats while losing Wales for the first time in a century, Prime Minister Keir Starmer reportedly spent several uninterrupted hours in deep personal reflection Friday before courageously determining the catastrophe had absolutely nothing to do with him.
Sources inside Downing Street confirmed the prime minister sat silently in a leather chair staring at the floor for nearly 45 minutes while aides respectfully allowed him to undergo an intense internal journey toward blaming literally anyone else.
“Was it my leadership? Did I do anything wrong? Am I just a terrible prime minister?” Starmer asked aloud before immediately shaking his head. “No, it can’t be. It’s definitely everyone else’s fault. There’s no possible way I had any part in Labour’s historic loss.”
The Labour leader’s period of introspection explored a wide range of alternative explanations for the electoral bloodbath, including low turnout, high turnout, social media, newspapers, Nigel Farage, insufficient enthusiasm for centrism, excessive enthusiasm for centrism, Russia, TikTok, farmers, pensioners, young people, old people, and a troubling national unwillingness to understand Keir Starmer properly.
At press time, Starmer gave the massive election losses a second round of careful reflection and determined once again that it was definitely not his fault.
