WARSAW, POLAND– Officials in Poland made a bold move recently by banning all scissors in the country due to an inordinate amount of citizens getting paper cuts.
According to Poland’s president Andrzej Duda, hospital emergency rooms across the country have become inundated daily with so many people getting paper cuts from handling dangerous scissors that he was forced to make this difficult decision.
“This wasn’t an easy choice, my American friends,” Duda said to CNN reporters by way of Skype. “Due to so many of my citizens dying from fatal paper cuts after using complex scissors, I petitioned my fellow officials and asked them to join me in permanently banning all scissors from Poland.”
After this new law was passed, every pair of scissors in the entire country was rounded up and then thrown into Poland’s lakes, rivers, playgrounds, parks, and anywhere else deemed safe for disposal.
Even though the amount of citizens getting paper cuts has actually increased since the banning of all scissors, Duda says it’s probably because people are still cutting paper with their hands as though they were a pair of scissors.
“You can’t do that,” he said emphatically, showing how to properly cut paper without scissors. “The trick to cutting a piece of paper without scissors is to use a pair of scissors that’s not really a pair of scissors. I know this sounds really complicated, but it really is.”
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