IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — In a desperate bid to humanize her image ahead of the June primary, gubernatorial candidate Katie Porter pivoted from the traditional baby-kissing campaign trail cliché, attempting to win over the crucial suburban mom demographic by berating every infant within a three-county radius.
Witnesses say Porter was in the middle of a pre-recorded TikTok explaining why California’s $6-a-gallon gas prices are actually a visual metaphor for corporate greed when a six-month-old in a nearby stroller let out a faint, gurgling whimper.
“You’re in my f***ing shot,” Katie Porter yelled over at the baby, getting up to confront the unruly infant. “Can’t you see I’m making a video here, you little crybaby? You were also in my shot before that. Stay out of my shot. If you get in my shot again you’ll be wearing some steaming hot Russet potatoes. Got it? And don’t forget, vote for Porter for governor.”
The Porter campaign defended the outburst, calling it a “refreshingly authentic” alternative to the polished nature of her opponents who pretend to like children.
At press time, Porter was last seen trying to explain to an infant the overlap between “Undecided Voters” and “People Who Need to Shut the F*** Up While I’m Talking.”
