CARACAS, VENEZUELA– U.S. officials announced that Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro formally confessed to every crime he has ever been accused of after being informed his prison transfer would occur aboard a Boeing aircraft, with legal experts calling the move a masterclass in psychological coercion.
The sudden confession came just minutes after U.S. Marshals informed Nicolás Maduro that he would be taking a non-stop flight from Caracas to Florida aboard the infamous Boeing 737 MAX, an aircraft notorious for falling apart midflight and even killing countless people.
The embattled leader reportedly turned white as a ghost and pleaded guilty to everything, including things he wasn’t even being charged for.
“Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t make me fly on one of those deathtraps,” Maduro said frantically while signing his confession. “I’ll confess to anything you want, drug trafficking, election rigging, murdering dissidents, if it means I never have to board that flying coffin. Yes, I did it all. I’m even responsible for the sinking of the US Titanic, 911, Pearl Harbor, everything.”
Boeing released a statement expressing disappointment that its planes were being used as a psychological deterrent rather than a mode of transportation, saying, “Our aircraft meet rigorous safety standards, and any doors, panels, or wheels that depart mid-flight are simply following their own journey.
At press time, the DOJ stated that Maduro is expected to serve his sentence in a maximum-security prison with a single window overlooking a Boeing factory.
