WASHINGTON — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) awoke screaming in the early morning hours on Monday, absolutely drenched in a cold sweat following a gruesome, blood-chilling nightmare in which he was deployed to the front lines of a Middle Eastern conflict he had spent the last twenty years demanding from the safe, climate-controlled comfort of television studios.
According to sources close to the bombastic neocon senator, the nightmare reportedly featured Lindsey Graham dodging actual artillery fire in a dusty trench somewhere in Iran—a country he has continuously urged the U.S. military to carpet-bomb since the late 1990s.
“It was horrible, just unimaginable trauma,” a pale, trembling Graham recounted later during an interview on Fox News. “I was in a desert. There were no Fox News cameras. There was no makeup chair, no green room, no craft services. Someone handed me a heavy rifle and told me to advance on an enemy compound. I kept screaming, ‘There’s been a mistake! Do you know who I am? I’m the guy who sends other people’s children to do this!'”
Graham went on to explain that in the nightmare there was a new law passed titled “You Suggested It, You Fight It Act,” where every senator who repeatedly called for bombing a country would be assigned a rifle and deployed to the front lines.
At the end of the interview, Graham was finally able to calm himself down by calling on President Trump to launch another war in a country somewhere really far away.
