LONDON — In a stunning display of modern, progressive crowd control, the Metropolitan Police have officially charged a 24-year-old British man with three counts of “Aggravated Facial Assault” after he aggressively used his cheekbones to bruise the knuckles of a violent, roving gang.
The incident, which was captured in a viral video that has since been banned under the U.K.’s strict new “Protecting Criminal Privacy” laws, shows the victim curled into a fetal position on the pavement as a mob of attackers relentlessly kick and punch him.
The footage ends when a 110-pound female police officer bravely tackling the bleeding victim, handcuffing him, and reading him his rights, completely ignoring the men throwing the punches.
“This white male suspect was entirely out of control,” explained Metropolitan Police Chief Superintendent Higgins during a press conference. “He was maliciously leaving traces of his own blood on the pristine trainers of several peaceful African youths who were just trying to express their cultural frustrations. Furthermore, by allowing his jawline to repeatedly strike the fists of the individuals surrounding him, he caused significant soft-tissue damage to their hands. We simply cannot tolerate this kind of vigilante violence in our streets.”
The victim is currently being held without bail, as prosecutors argue that his face is a registered lethal weapon under the government’s newly expanded definition of “Hate Speech.”
At publishing time, the victim was denied bail after a judge ruled that his black eye was secretly a highly offensive neo-fascist dog whistle.
