BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — Holding an emergency press conference on Saturday, top NAACP leaders expressed concern that the Department of Justice’s recent 11-count fraud indictment against the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) could lead to a catastrophic, nationwide shortage of the high-grade white racism necessary to sustain the organization’s $100 million annual fundraising goal.
According to the NAACP, the business model depends heavily on the SPLC’s funneling millions in donor funds to create white racism, which in turn creates a demand for NAACP press releases, gala dinners, and recurring monthly donations from guilty suburbanites.
“The SPLC was essentially the General Electric of bigotry,” said an NAACP representative angrily to news reporters. “We’re looking at a possible total collapse of our racist grift. If the DOJ shuts down the SPLC’s production line, where are we supposed to find a white guy in a hood on such short notice? Do you know how hard it is to find an organic, free-range white supremacist in this economy?”
The panic has caused the NAACP to cancel an upcoming “White Winter of Hate” fundraising campaign after realizing that three of the four featured “white nationalist leaders” were actually SPLC interns.
At press time, the NAACP was reportedly in talks with several Hollywood talent agencies to see if any out-of-work white actors would be willing to yell racial slurs at black people in a desperate bid to keep the organization’s racism grift alive.
