WASHINGTON — Expressing mounting exasperation over a seemingly unsolvable nationwide mystery, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) announced that they are incredibly frustrated by the fact that every single clue in the recent string of missing nuclear physicists keeps leading directly back to the FBI itself.
“It’s honestly starting to feel like someone is playing a sick joke on us,” said FBI Special Agent Hung Overton during a morning press briefing. “We dispatch our best field agents to track down the shadowy operatives snatching these brilliant minds, and within 48 hours, the trail of evidence invariably leads straight to our third-floor evidence locker. Which, from an investigative standpoint, is incredibly inconvenient.”
According to the FBI Special Agent, agents initially believed the disappearances were the work of a sophisticated external actor, but that theory became complicated after security footage repeatedly showed unmarked government vehicles arriving at the homes of several scientists shortly before they vanished.
“At one point, we uncovered a document approving a ‘Highly Sensitive Retrieval Operation,’” added Special Agent Overton. “And apparently the operation was signed off by me. I don’t remember signing it, but the signature looks extremely convincing.”
At press time, the FBI announced a major breakthrough, confirming they had finally cornered the mastermind behind the disappearances, before promptly arresting themselves, filing for overtime, and placing the entire agency on paid administrative leave.
