BISCAYNE, WYOMING– Overdoses from heroin abuse now kill more crows in America than being hit by cars, AIDS, homicides, and bird flu.
So far this year approximately 1,534 crows have died from heroin overdoses, which is up from last year’s 1,269 death toll, according to national statistics.
In an effort to combat the rising numbers, authorities around the country have been keeping a close eye on crow activities. Even though weekly DEA raids on high crow areas have proven to be somewhat successful, crows have one-upped the drug agency by intermingling among ravens, blackbirds, and grackles to thwart government crackdown.
“It’s an uphill battle,” said Horshak Greenblatt, who heads the Wyoming DEA office. “Every time we come up with a plan to stop crow drug activity, these birds quickly acclimate to our strategy and come up with some other way to get around it. It’s almost as if these crows are always two steps ahead of us.”
Greenblatt believes that there is a mole within the drug agency who has been feeding crows with information about where and when drug busts will take place.
“I think someone within the DEA is on the crow’s payroll,” Greenblatt admitted. “We want the public to know that we’re taking this issue very seriously. To try and get a leg up on these birds, several DEA agents have disguised themselves as crows and have been working undercover. These agents spent the last two years learning how to walk, talk, and act like crows to try and blend in.”
The best government estimates are that 4 out of 5 crows use heroin or some other type of illicit compounds.
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