NORTH POLE– Christmas just got a whole lot thinner, thanks to Santa Claus’ drastic weight loss. The formerly fat man in the red suit has reportedly lost over two hundred pounds in under two months and he attributes his success to all the ignorant fat-shamers online who have been ridiculing him after he got trapped inside of a chimney last year.
According to Santa’s Twitter account, the final straw came after an anonymous troll named SantaTheFatFuck sent him a meme of a house sliding down Santa’s throat.
Santa kept a photo journal of his weight loss and has been posting them onto his account along with a progress report of his emotional state during the transformation as well as how Mrs. Claus has been handling her new and much more attractive husband.
“I received more letters than usual to the North Pole this year,” Santa tweeted on his Twitter account. “But most of these letters not from children asking for Christmas gifts, rather from attractive young women asking me to visit their bedrooms when I stop by on Christmas Eve. Crazy.”
Even though Santa Claus attributes his quick weight loss to exercise, vitamins, and a healthy diet, many online skeptics believe that it’s not possible to lose that amount of weight in such a short time without the use of some type of pharmaceutical assistance.
“I’m no longer getting fat-shamed,” Santa said later in a bittersweet tweet. “Unfortunately, due to my exorbitant weight loss, morons now saying I cheated and must be using drugs. Now I’m being drug-shamed. Sad.”
Santa says that he knows who these online trolls are who are shaming him and promises that they are on his naughty list.
“Never piss off guy who has ability to know someone’s innermost thoughts and can enter your house at will. Stupid trolls.”
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