Biden Volunteers To Search For More Classified Documents By Patting Down All Young Women
WASHINGTON-- In an effort to cooperate with federal authorities in the ongoing top secret document investigation, President Joe Biden has offered to help locate more classified documents by patting down…
Pimps Trade Prostitutes For Chickens As Egg Prices Soar
ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY-- With the price of eggs continuing to rise, pimps across the United States have been trading in their prostitutes for chickens and many are claiming that…
The Sky Slammed On Social Media For Refusing To Show A Rainbow After Rain
U.S.-- The ubiquitous sky has come under fire this week when numerous users on social media pointed out that it had refused to fly a rainbow after a recent rainstorm,…
Police Arrest Gas Stove For Attempting To Suffocate Its Roommate
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA-- Another dangerous gas stove was taken off the streets Monday when police arrested the hazardous appliance for trying to slowly over time choke its male roommate by…
Biden Awards Presidential Citizens Medal To Hannibal Lecter For Reducing Climate Change By Eating People
WASHINGTON-- As a way to honor regular American citizens who have contributed to democracy, President Joe Biden held a ceremony inside the White House and awarded the prestigious Presidential Citizens…
Teary-Eyed Dan Crenshaw Eyes New Position After Watching Colleague Grab Oversight Committee Role
WASHINGTON-- After seeing the writing on the wall, Texas Republican Dan Crenshaw congratulated his colleague on nabbing an oversight position he had hoped to get and also stated that he…
Biden Travels To Southern Border To Prove Everything’s Fine
EL PASO, TEXAS-- After two years, Joe Biden has finally traveled down to the southern border in an effort to prove all of his detractors wrong, with the president saying…
COVID Virus Distances Itself From Disgraced Physician Dr. Fauci
U.S.-- Due to all the recent allegations of impropriety against retired physician Dr. Fauci, the ubiquitous COVID virus has explicitly stated that it has now disowned the disgraced doctor and…
Biden Shows His Stamina On New Year’s Eve By Licking Ice Cream Cone Four Times Before Passing Out By 5 PM
WASHINGTON-- President Joe Biden has proved the naysayers wrong once again after showing off his energy and stamina by ringing in the New Year holiday licking his favorite ice cream…
Gazelle Family Christmas Kind Of Awkward After Daughter Brings Home Lion For Holiday
KENYA, AFRICA-- A Christmas family gathering became awkward very fast after a female gazelle brought home a lion to meet her parents for the first time, causing a lot of…
Woke Santa Tells Disappointed Children All Their Gifts Going To Ukraine This Year
NORTH POLE-- In an effort to both end systemic, racist climate change and help Ukraine defeat Russia, a more progressive Santa Claus has announced on his official Twitter account that…
Politicians Watched In Awe As Zelensky Performed Miracles During Speech To Congress
WASHINGTON-- As most of the world is aware by now, Volodymyr Zelensky gave a divine speech in front of a stunned United States Congress Thursday, leaving the audience of uniparty…
