WASHINGTON– After taking a very long absence to reconstruct her body, 369-year-old California Senator Dianne Feinstein reemerged from her coffin to announce that she has officially retired from politics and will now become the new host of a reboot of the popular TV show Tales From The Crypt.
Hollywood producers have confirmed the news that Feinstein has taken over the spot once played by the original crypt keeper, saying that the original crypt keeper was too young and attractive looking and they wanted a more scarier, uglier, and older looking host that they said they found in the ghoulishly evil Feinstein.
“Hello, boils and ghouls, I’m glad you could make it to my morbid announcement,” said Feinstein to news reporters before laughing eerily. “I’m sure you’re all dying to hear the big news that I’ve retired from politics. But don’t worry, you disgusting cretins, you’ll still get to see my pretty face in front of the camera as I host the all new Tales From The Crypt. I’m sure it’ll make a killing in the ratings.”
Critics praised Feinstein’s ghoulish performance as the new crypt keeper because they were literally too scared to not praise her, adding that having a career politician like Feinstein play the part of the crypt keeper was an easy lateral move being that both jobs have a history of murder, torture, and fraud.
Feinstein beat out numerous other ancient politicians who also vied for the role of the crypt keeper, including 189-year-old Nancy Pelosi and 208-year-old Mitch McConnell.
