WASHINGTON– In what some progressive experts are calling a revolutionary legal framework, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson has declared that being a black person in America is essentially a permanent injury. During oral arguments in the ongoing Voting Rights Act case, Jackson passionately argued that the landmark legislation should remain intact because, in her words, “Being black is a disability. It’s like having a broken leg, but instead of a cast, we get extra voting rights.”
When asked by Chief Justice Roberts how this logic applies to affluent black Americans, Jackson called Roberts a “racist” then retorted, “Just because LeBron James can afford a private jet, five mansions, and has a billion dollars in the bank doesn’t mean his ancestors weren’t enslaved. We’re talking about systemic trauma here, like PTSD, but instead of flashbacks, we get mail-in ballots. All blacks should be given ballot box safe spaces.”
Justice Clarence Thomas, visibly perplexed and holding back laughter, pointed out that if being black is a disability, then how did he become so successful. Ketanji Brown Jackson shot back at her fellow black Justice, “Clarence, you wouldn’t understand. You’re like the Tom Hanks of black people, exceptionally talented, but still white-adjacent.”
In a bizarre twist, the NAACP immediately filed a brief arguing that blackness should be recognized as a protected class under the ADA, complete with demands for twerking sections at polling stations and sign language interpreters for rap lyrics.
The case is expected to go to the full court, where it will likely be decided 5-4 in favor of the conservatives. In related news, the ACLU has announced plans to sue the NBA for not providing sufficient accommodations for black players, citing the “clear disability” of having to play with white teammates.
