EAST HAMPTON, NEW YORK– In a stunning victory for selective justice, renowned Hollywood actor Alec Baldwin has been cleared of all charges after his Range Rover SUV crashed into a tree in the Hamptons. According to eyewitnesses, Baldwin emerged from the wreckage, visibly shaken, and immediately told responding officers, “I thought that fucking tree was a MAGA-hat-wearing Trump supporter so I just drove my vehicle as fast as I could trying to hit him!”
“I was just trying to take out a Trump supporter,” Alec Baldwin confessed to responding officers, laughing because he knew he would get away with it. “You know how they are, standing there all leafy and rooted in their ways, blocking progress with their outdated ideas. I saw what I thought was a red hat peeking out from behind the bark. Turns out, it was just a cardinal nesting. My bad.”
New York State Police confirmed that after a thorough investigation, no charges will be filed against the celebrity actor.
“Mr. Baldwin’s actions were deemed reasonable under the circumstances,” said Chief Joe Davola. “When you’re driving through a blue state and suddenly see what you believe to be a symbol of fascism, be it an American flag, a Christian church, or a Donald Trump supporter, you have every right to defend yourself by trying to eliminate it.”
Alec Baldwin’s lawyer released a statement praising the decision: “This is a landmark victory for the First Amendment and the right to self-defense. If a tree looks like a Trump supporter, it’s fair game.”
The NYPD has announced a new policy allowing drivers to ram any object they “reasonably believe” to be a Trump supporter without fear of legal consequences.
“It’s about saving democracy,” said NY Governor Kathy Hochul. “If you see a tree with a red hat, don’t hesitate to protect yourself and your community by trying to kill it.”
