NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Bypassing several layers of international law, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly activated the country’s controversial Samson Option toward Gracie Mansion Tuesday after learning that New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani had once again called for him to be arrested during his visit to the United Nations In New York.
The retaliatory measure, traditionally described as a theoretical last-resort option to ensure Israel’s survival in the event of an existential military threat, was reportedly deemed necessary after Israeli officials determined that Netanyahu faced an even more immediate danger of potentially being placed in handcuffs by the mayor of New York City.
“We considered every diplomatic solution,” declared Netanyahu angrily. “Unfortunately, none provided the level of deterrence necessary to prevent the Mayor of New York from attempting to enforce international law. We needed to make sure the warning was received personally. And I think Mayor Mamdani has gotten the message.”
The White House immediately urged de-escalation, politely asking the Israeli delegation if they might consider scaling back the apocalyptic retaliation to perhaps just a localized tactical drone strike on the Department of Sanitation.
At press time, the Israeli Ambassador to the UN issued a stern warning that if a Manhattan traffic enforcement agent so much as places a parking ticket on Netanyahu’s motorcade, the Israel Defense Forces will not hesitate to unleash a secondary strike on a random very tall building.
