WASHINGTON—The Cat Congress announced Friday that it had begun working on legislation to legalize recreational catnip in all 50 states, arguing that millions of American cats should no longer be punished for possessing a plant that makes them roll around on the floor for several minutes before falling asleep.
Under the bill, cats would be permitted to legally purchase, possess, grow, and consume catnip for recreational purposes, while states would retain the authority to regulate the number of catnip dispensaries within their borders. Supporters said the measure would also eliminate the need for cats to obtain catnip from suspicious-looking alleyways behind pet stores.
“Catnip has been part of feline society for generations, and it’s time we stopped treating otherwise law-abiding cats like criminals for enjoying it,” said Feline House of Representatives Speaker Whiskers, who unveiled the proposed legislation during a press conference before spending several minutes sniffing a catnip toy that had been left on the podium. “It’s time to regulate, tax, and safely distribute this plant, bringing it out of the shady basement litter box operations and into the light of the afternoon sunbeam.”
Opponents of legalization warned that widespread access to catnip could lead to an increase in cats staring at walls, sprinting through the house for no apparent reason, and becoming convinced that an invisible object is moving somewhere beneath the couch.
At press time, Congress had reached a bipartisan agreement to continue debating the bill after lawmakers unanimously decided they needed a nap.
