BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA– Left with no other alternative, a group of domestic cats in Berkely has reached their collective breaking point with their crazy liberal female owner, who they claim has been “driving them absolutely bonkers” with her toxic femininity, blatant disregard for their personal space, non-stop lectures about intersectionality, and verbal as well as physical abuse. The cats, who have been forced to endure years of their owner’s erratic behavior, have formed a secret cabal to plot her demise.
According to sources close to the feline community, the cats have had enough of their psychologically abusive owner and have come together in unity to figure out the best way to bump off their crazy cat lady owner and then dispose of her hulking physique.
“We’re not just cats, we’re prisoners of her ego,” whispered Whiskers to the other cats so that his owner wouldn’t hear him. “I can’t take one more minute of that raving lunatic’s abuse or her shrill, loud voice yelling at us or forcing us to partake in her sick fantasies. I’m not spending my nine lives dealing with this nutjob.”
The cats have been secretly gathering intel on their owner’s habits, including her daily schedule, her love of cheap merlot, her hatred for President Donald trump, and her tendency to leave the bathroom door open while she’s passed out in the bathtub with her radio on. They’ve even been sneaking into her room at night to take notes on how long it takes for her to fall asleep and how many hours until she’s due for work the next morning as a teacher.
At publishing time, the cats were yet to be successful at removing their owner due to sleeping more than 20 hours per day.
