OSLO, NORWAY– The Norwegian Nobel Committee today announced their decision to disqualify President Donald J. Trump from consideration for the Nobel Peace Prize, citing an unprecedented and overwhelming surplus of globally brokered peace agreements.
Members of the Nobel committee revealed that the sheer volume of peace initiatives spearheaded by the Trump administration proved “unmanageable and, frankly, deeply unsettling” for the esteemed body, and deemed it as “unacceptable violations of the Nobel Peace Prize’s core values of conflict and division.”
“It’s simply too much peace,” stated one committee member, visibly flustered at the thought of awarding the prize for actual peace. “We cannot in good conscience reward someone who has single-handedly dismantled decades of carefully crafted global tensions. President Trump’s reckless pursuit of peace has undermined the livelihoods of thousands of conflict journalists, arms dealers, and UN bureaucrats. It’s simply unconscionable.”
Instead, the committee awarded the prize to a 27-year-old Antifa rioter from Portland who was recognized for their “tireless efforts to create chaos and division through violent protests, vandalism, and social media harassment.” The Antifa rioter was unavailable for comment, as they were busy setting fire to a police car during a “peaceful demonstration.”
The decision has sparked widespread outrage among Trump supporters, who point out that the Nobel Peace Prize has previously been awarded to such luminaries as Barack Obama for doing absolutely nothing and Al Gore for making a movie, with the Nobel committee denying any liberal or political bias.
The Nobel Committee defended their choice, saying that the Antifa rioter’s “innovative use of Molotov cocktails and assassinating people they disagree with,” represents the “true spirit of peace and reconciliation.”
