Student Productivity Increases After Numerous Schools Replace Teachers With Mannequins
SPRINGFIELD, OREGON-- With so many teachers refusing to go back to work, numerous schools were forced to make the easy decision of hiring mannequins to replace the human educators thereby…
Biden Hires Hillary Clinton To Yell ‘What Difference Does It Make’ Whenever Asked About Afghanistan
WASHINGTON-- Resident Joe Biden has gone on the offensive against pesky news reporters who keep asking him questions about the fiasco in Afghanistan by hiring former Secretary of State Hillary…
Emperor Palpatine Mandates COVID Vaccine For All Citizens After Getting Full FDA Approval
CORUSCANT-- Emperor Palpatine has officially mandated the coronavirus vaccine after the Galactic Empire's Food and Drug Administration gave the injection the FDA's full stamp of approval, proving once and for…
Nancy Pelosi Orders Any Congress Members Refusing To Wear Masks To Stare Directly Into Her Eyes
WASHINGTON-- Speaker Nancy Pelosi has updated her mask mandate once again for House members after Republicans stated they wouldn't comply with threats of arrest by Capitol Police, saying that any…
Newly Unearthed: Over 2,000 Year Old Confucius Quote Telling Future Americans To Take COVID Vaccine
BEIJING, CHINA-- A never-before-seen quote from famed Chinese philosopher Confucius has been unearthed recently in Beijing, China, a discovery that the altruistic Chinese government hopes will encourage the remaining vaccine…
World’s Most COVID Vaccinated Man Says He Feels Great After Receiving 180 Shots Within Two Months
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA-- A man from California is making headlines recently after receiving his 180th COVID-19 vaccine shot within the last two months, saying that he's never felt better, healthier,…
Biden Builds Border Wall Around Florida To Keep Freedom-Loving Cubans Out Of The U.S.
WASHINGTON-- Joe Biden vowed to stop the sudden surge of freedom-seeking Cubans fleeing to the United States by building a large concrete border wall along the southern coast of Florida,…
Joe Biden Says Farsighted White Hens Are America’s Number One Domestic Terrorists
WASHINGTON-- At a recent earthshattering news conference in a lookalike White House yesterday, Resident Joe Biden issued a strong repudiation of farsighted white hens and promised to fight the domestic…
China Gets Trolled After Taiwan Makes Winnie The Pooh Their Official Country Mascot
TAIPEI, TAIWAN-- Taiwan unveiled its new Winnie the Pooh mascot yesterday in response to China taking offense to a few high-profile celebrities mistakenly referring to the self-governed territory as a…
Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot Says She’ll Only Speak To Journalists Who Look Just Like Her
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS-- Democratic Mayor Lori Lightfoot has been taking some heat lately after vowing to only be interviewed by journalists who look exactly like her in every way, right down…
New CDC Guidelines Now Say Dead People Only Need To Wear Three Masks When Buried
ATLANTA, GEORGIA-- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced new recommendations for the use of masks, saying dead people are permitted to be buried wearing only three masks…
Funeral Homes Offering Free Tombstones To Anyone Who Shows Proof Of Vaccination
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA-- Great news to everyone who gets the COVID-19 vaccine. Funeral homes across the country have been trying to incentivize hesitant people into getting vaccinated by offering a…
