ARLINGTON COUNTY, VIRGINIA– President Joe Biden paid tribute to the nation’s veterans with a stoic speech by reaffirming his position that if everyone had just gotten the COVID jab then perhaps the United States would have won World War 5 during the 1860s.
In what mainstream news outlets are calling the most captivating Veteran’s Day speech in history, Biden summed up the country’s numerous tragedies and failures as a result of so many cynical people refusing to take part in his totally safe and fair vaccination mandate.
“Our country would have won World War 5 if if it wasn’t for all these vaccine hesitant fools,” said Biden as he received his ninth televised saline shot to convince gullible people to get the vaccine. “Just think about how many brave American men and women sacrificed their lives fighting all those unvaccinated primates on the Planet of the Apes.”
Even though his patience has worn thin, Biden says he’s not going to let all the dubious anti-vaxxers ruin this Valentine’s Day holiday and cites his highest ever poll numbers as the reason why he’s still in such a pleasant mood. That, and his recent steamy meeting at the Vatican where he left an indelible impression on the Pope’s bathroom.
“I’m vaccinated, and you can ask the Pope himself just how safe I am to be around. I’m sure all my European friends are still talking about what a savory and aromatic pleasure it was to have me around.”
LGB