BROOKLYN, NEW YORK– New York police have identified the helmsman of the Mexican Navy ship that crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge and caused dozens of injuries, reporting that the individual steering the training sailing ship was none other than famous Mexican mouse actor Speedy Gonzales.
Police said the Mexican Navy ship Cuauhtémoc lost control after the diminutive rodent Speedy Gonzales wasn’t able to see over the wheel and then began steering too quickly, causing the vessel to collide with the bridge.
“The individual steering the Mexican Navy ship that killed at least two people onboard was cartoon actor Speedy Gonzales,” said Police Chief Harry Callahan to news reporters with tears in his hardened eyes. “Mister Gonzales was the helmsman of the ship. Wait, or would he be the helmsmouse? Anyway, according to Mexican authorities, Speedy had joined the Navy of Mexico due to a failed acting career and was practicing as part of his naval school training.”
Speedy Gonzales was brought in for questioning and was found to have a massive amount of cocaine in his little system, but was released immediately back out into the public where he ran away extremely fast while yelling, “¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!.”
President Donald Trump weighed in on the tragedy and said he would address the issue by placing more mousetraps around the southern border.
