NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– A local cat named Frisky was arrested for allegedly licking itself out in public near a high school in New York on Thursday, police said. A state of emergency was declared by the governor until further notice.
According to the police report, multiple witnesses recorded video on their phones showing the feline lifting up its leg and then proceeding to lick its legs, abdomen, and backside.
“It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” said one of the witnesses while the cat was being beaten and maced by police for resisting arrest. “That pervert cat walked right up to the school and then started licking itself in some form of weird, cultish body washing ritual. I used to slow down while driving when I saw cats in the street, but now I’ll probably just run those little weirdos over.”
The feline is also facing charges for breaking NYC Mayor Eric Adams’ new Animal Indecent Exposure law, which forbids animals from being naked while out in public.
“I have no tolerance for any animal disobeying my anti-lewdness orders and putting the entire city at risk,” said Mayor Adams after locking down the city while health officials fumigated the area where the cat was washing itself. “Due to the seriousness of the crime, the cat criminal will be immediately sent to an exhibitionist containment center where it will be euthanized and then donated to a local Chinese restaurant.”
The White House chimed in on the cat crime and stated that, as a precautionary measure, President Biden issued an executive order banning all cats from the United States. Pet owners have until the week before Thanksgiving to turn in their cats to the government where they will be given to Perdue Farms to be sold in supermarkets this holiday due to the nation’s turkey shortage.
The cat’s out of the bag.
The cat would make a better mayor than de Blasio.
Biden killed his dog, now he’s killing cats.
deBlasio for Gitmo.
el gato está en llamas