NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA– The FBI has announced early this morning that the investigation into the New Orleans terrorist attack has been closed already after they were unable to locate any little, old, Trump-supporting grandmoms connected to the horrific crime.
It was a somber mood for FBI agents during an early morning press conference as they announced the terrible news that they weren’t able to find any elderly flag-waving Trump supporters to be able to pin the New Orleans terrorist attack crime on.
“We have some bittersweet news,” said a female FBI agent as several agents behind her took a knee for the killer. “My name is Special Agent Winona Wobblewhisk, and I go by the pronouns she/her. I’m here to announce that the FBI is formally closing the New Orleans attack because we were unable to find any connection to the MAGA movement. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to arresting people who may have even simply mentioned the words ‘January 6.'”
The agent investigating the New Orleans terrorist attack said they questioned a few old ladies waving flags at the scene, but eventually released them after discovering the old women were actually just undercover FBI agents posing as transgendered males waving flags with the words “Death to America” on them.
FBI Director Christopher Wray praised his brave agents for doing their best to be as biased as possible by trying to blame a Trump supporter and then gave agents the day off to grieve the loss of the killer.
