ORLANDO, FLORIDA — Saying the experience had left him deeply confused about American priorities, an illegal alien reportedly discovered recently that obtaining Olive Garden’s coveted Never-Ending Pasta Pass requires more identity verification than participating in U.S. elections.
Witnesses said the man arrived at the restaurant hoping to purchase one of the restaurant chain’s annual Pasta Passes before being politely informed by the hostess that a valid government-issued photo ID was required.
“I thought this was America,” the visibly disappointed man replied, who successfully navigated international borders, evaded federal authorities, and voted in elections without ever being asked for a single piece of legal documentation. “Nobody ever asks me for one of those.”
The incident immediately caught the attention of Senate Republicans, who spent several hours studying Olive Garden’s identification policy before concluding it appeared “too politically controversial” to introduce in Congress.
Meanwhile, Senate Democrats condemned the restaurant’s “Pasta Suppression Policy,” arguing that requiring customers to prove they are the person whose name appears on the Pasta Pass could have a disproportionate impact on historically underserved breadstick communities.
At press time, congressional leaders had announced plans to subpoena Olive Garden executives to explain how a casual Italian restaurant had somehow developed election security standards considered too controversial for the United States government.
