LONDON, UK — Bringing an end to one of the least popular premierships in recent British history, Keir Starmer announced that he would be resigning as Prime Minister in order to spend more time with his local grooming gang, saying the demands of running the country had prevented him from giving the organization the attention it truly deserved.
In a brief and emotional farewell address delivered outside 10 Downing Street, the outgoing Prime Minister explained that years of high-level political careerism had kept him away from the criminal syndicates he held most dear.
“There comes a point in every public servant’s life when you have to ask yourself what really matters,” Keir Starmer told reporters. “For me, that’s making myself available to the grooming gang whenever they need me. I’ve realized I’ve been neglecting the gang rapists who have always been there for me whenever I needed their vote.”
Starmer noted that despite his best efforts to suppress official reports, censor social media users, and divert law enforcement toward citizens making sarcastic comments on Facebook, he felt he was still missing out on the day-to-day operations of the local grooming gang syndicates.
Incoming Prime Minister Andy Burnham sought to reassure nervous Britons that his administration would also ignore the grooming gang crisis but with warmth, approachability, and the kind of infectious charisma that makes you almost happy to surrender your civil liberties.
