WASHINGTON– Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reportedly emitted a low, animalistic hiss and staggered backward in apparent physical pain after an aide casually wished him “Merry Christmas,” witnesses confirmed.
According to staffers present, Schumer was leaving his office when the aide approached him with a cheerful “Merry Christmas, Senator,” causing Schumer’s eyes to immediately roll back and his skin turn a ghostly pale as he let out a hissing noise resembling a deflating balloon.
“It was exactly like in the movies,” said one aide. “Like when a vampire hears ‘The power of Christ compels you.’ He actually shielded his face. I didn’t even know that was a thing humans could do unironically.”
When reached for comment, Chuck Schumer’s office released a statement blaming “Christian microaggressions” for the incident and has announced plans to introduce legislation making it a federal crime to wish “Merry Christmas” inside of the Capitol Building without someone’s explicit consent.
At publishing time, the female aide who wished the Democrat senator “Merry Christmas” has been terminated for triggering a Satanic Jewish leader with Christmas cheer.
