WASHINGTON– A major controversy has been brewing Monday after it was revealed that photos of one of the turkeys pardoned by President Joe Biden was found on Hunter’s laptop, showing the Thanksgiving bird in numerous compromising positions including smoking crack and having sex with prostitutes.
Once Republicans gained control of the House and began an immediate investigation into the contents of the laptop from hell, investigators located a slew of previously hidden photos of the Thanksgiving turkey “Blossom” smoking crack with Hunter Biden and having intercourse with Chinese hookers.
“After examining Hunter Biden’s hard drive, we found lewd photos of both Hunter and the turkey Blossom,” said Mike Johnson, Republican House Speaker. “Even though some of the photos of the bird’s actions are too graphic to release to the public, we plan on questioning Hunter on what role the turkey played in the Ukraine money laundering scheme.
Lawyers for “Blossom” claim that the bird cannot be held criminally liable for its actions being that the president of the United States has already pardoned it.
“We believe President Biden pardoned the turkey knowing Republicans were going to indict the bird,” said Johnson as he ate a fried turkey leg. “President Biden has a lot of explaining to do and we plan on spending the next two years of our majority in the House getting to the bottom of the turkey’s relationship to Biden.”
In order to destroy any evidence connecting him to the foul bird, Biden had the turkey cooked and then eaten but only after he had the bird tenderized by rubbing his nose up and down its feathered flesh.
