NOVA SCOTIA, CANADA– As part of Canada’s environmental initiative to prevent wildfires, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have apprehended a rogue squirrel in Nova Scotia for brazenly violating the province’s newly enacted hiking ban.
Brave police nabbed the bushy-tailed criminal earlier today as it was scampering along a prohibited trail near Halifax in defiance of Premier Tim Houston’s controversial decree, putting thousands of people’s lives at risk in its selfish search of acorns.
“Today, our brave officers apprehended a squirrel for violating our hiking ban,” said RCMP Commissioner Emmanuel Sacrebleu as police officers patted each other on the back. “This dangerous, far-right, white supremacist rodent is being charged with defying the hiking ban, for attempting to burn down an entire forest, and for trying to murder thousands of innocent Nova Scotians. If it was up to me, I’d execute that little bastard right now, but even squirrels get due process.”
The commissioner went on to say that the squirrel is also being fined $25,000 for being in the woods, vowing to punish the furry lawbreaker to the fullest extent of the law to make an example out of it as a warning to anyone else who considers walking in any wooded areas.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney weighed in on the controversy, urging Nova Scotia authorities to burn down the forest to prevent any wildfires from occurring.
