SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Visibly frightened and shaking uncontrollably, California Governor Gavin Newsom woke up in a cold sweat Friday morning after a disturbing nightmare in which he briefly took responsibility for a failure that occurred on his watch.
The dream, which reportedly lasted for several minutes, depicted Gavin Newsom apologizing for his role in exacerbating homelessness, wildfires, high taxes, and rising crime rates in the state.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Newsom told aides. “I was standing at a podium, looking directly at the camera, and I just started spewing this nonsense about how sorry I was for the homeless camps, the burned-down towns, and the 20% increase in violent crime. It was like my brain was possessed by some kind of decent human being. It was horrible.”
Newsom explained that one of the worst parts of the nightmare was when he apologized to Californians for the horrible job he had done as governor, and for admitting that everything wrong in California was his fault, not President Trump’s, climate change’s, racism’s, transphobia’s, or white supremacists’.
“I’ve spent years blaming Trump for everything, and suddenly my subconscious is telling me I’m the problem? It’s like my brain is trying to gaslight me.”
At press time, the governor had made a statement on his horrible nightmare of accountability, blaming it on Trump, climate change, racism, transphobia, and white supremacists.
