Mark Carney Prevents Future Trans School Shootings By Banning All Canada Schools
OTTAWA, CANADA — In a move hailed by the Liberal government as a breakthrough in public safety, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that he will be banning all schools in…
Pam Bondi Narrowly Prevents Any Epstein Clients From Facing Justice
WASHINGTON — In a display of breathtaking legal gymnastics, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi reportedly succeeded in narrowly avoiding the investigation, arrest, charging, questioning, or mild scheduling inconvenience of any…
Team USA Olympic Athletes Request Asylum In Communist China To Escape Oppression Of American Freedom
ITALY — In a dramatic mid-Games development, several members of Team USA announced Sunday that they are formally requesting political asylum in Communist China, citing unsustainable levels of personal liberty…
Bad Bunny Super Bowl Halftime Show Performance To Feature California Homeless Fentanyl Addicts As Backup Dancers
SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA —In a groundbreaking move to celebrate authentic California diversity, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Governor Gavin Newsom announced Sunday that Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl LX Halftime Show…
Democrats Vow To Counter Trump’s Obama Meme By Running Racist Biden Again
WASHINGTON — After condemning a controversial meme video shared by President Donald Trump that depicted a Lion King parody featuring the Obamas with monkey bodies, leading Democrats held an emergency…
Washington Post Articles Improve Dramatically After Laid Off Writers Replaced With Monkeys
WASHINGTON — In a bold restructuring move described by upper management as a strategic pivot toward competence, The Washington Post announced that it has replaced hundreds of laid off staff…
Keir Starmer Resigns, Announces He’s Been Replaced By His Sister Keira Starmer
LONDON, UK — In a dramatic and completely serious press conference, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced his resignation today due to record-shattering unpopularity and exhausting scandal headlines, revealing that…
Mitch McConnell Refuses Retirement, Announces Senate Career Will Continue As Desk-Mounted Brain
WASHINGTON — After doctors confirmed his body could no longer reliably perform basic tasks such as standing, speaking, or remaining conscious in public, 83-year-old Senator Mitch McConnell announced that he…
White Celebrities Wear Blackface In Solidarity With Somali Fraudsters
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — In an effort to show solidarity with the Somali daycare owners accused of defrauding taxpayers out of billions, a group of Hollywood’s most vocal anti-Trump, anti-ICE liberal…
Unvaccinated Americans Enjoying Another Year Of Biden’s ‘Winter Of Severe Illness And Death’
U.S. — Millions of unvaccinated Americans confirmed this week that they have once again survived, thrived, and inconveniently remained upright through yet another year of former President Joe Biden’s warning…
Nolan Announces Sequel ‘Odyssey 2: Electric Boogaloo’ Starring Megan Thee Stallion As Twerking Achilles
HOLLYWOOD — Director Christopher Nolan has officially greenlit Odyssey 2: Electric Boogaloo, the sequel to his already infamous 2026 adaptation of Homer’s The Odyssey. The director, still basking in the pre-release…
Rioters Struggle To Vandalize Already Ruined Los Angeles
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — A coalition of anti-ICE far-leftists and Mexican nationalists descended upon the city of Los Angeles this weekend with the stated goal of burning the city to…
