U.S. Secures Guilty Plea By Threatening Nicolás Maduro With Prison Transport On Boeing Plane
CARACAS, VENEZUELA-- U.S. officials announced that Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro formally confessed to every crime he has ever been accused of after being informed his prison transfer would occur aboard…
New California Mandate Requires ID To Prove You Are Under 12 Before Purchasing Tobacco
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA-- California officials announced a sweeping new public health mandate this week requiring customers to present valid identification proving they are under the age of 12 before purchasing any…
Ilhan Omar Furious After Catching Brother With Another Sister
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA-- Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar was reportedly livid Wednesday evening after spotting her brother at a local food court with his arm wrapped around one of her other sisters.…
Historians Unearth Lost Napoleon Quote: ‘Never Interrupt Your Enemy When He Is Opening A Somali Daycare In Minnesota’
PARIS, FRANCE-- Historians at the Louvre were stunned this week by the discovery of a lost quote from Napoleon Bonaparte’s exile on St. Helena, containing a startlingly specific piece of…
‘If Only We Had The Majority We Could Get Something Done,’ Say Republicans Currently In Majority
WASHINGTON-- Republican leaders in Congress gathered solemnly on the Capitol steps today to lament what they described as their tragic lack of authority, influence, or any meaningful ability to do…
Democrats Warn Ending Somali Daycare Fraud Will Leave Thousands Of Nonexistent Kids Hungry
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA-- Minnesota Democrats held an emergency press conference Tuesday to warn that recent efforts by the Trump administration to stop massive Somali daycare fraud could result in a…
FBI Announces Historic Arrest Of 85-Year-Old Grandmother Who Cheated At Bingo
WASHINGTON-- In what is being hailed by absolutely no one as the arrest Americans have been waiting for, FBI Director Kash Patel held an emergency press conference this morning to…
Out-Of-Work Justin Trudeau Opens Fraudulent Minnesota Somali Daycare Center
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA-- Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, reportedly unemployed and financially strapped, announced that he has opened his own Minnesota daycare center after learning how easily Somali-run fake child…
India Accuses U.S. Of Stealing Jobs From Indians By Hiring Americans
NEW DELHI, INDIA-- The Indian Ministry of External Affairs issued an emergency diplomatic protest today, formally accusing the United States of unethical labor poaching and stealing jobs from Indians after…
DOJ Vows To Punish Corrupt Democrats By Allowing Them To Remain In Office And Retire Rich
WASHINGTON-- Under the decorative leadership of Attorney General Pam Bondi, the Department of Justice (DOJ) announced a bold new accountability initiative aimed at corrupt Democrat politicians by letting them remain…
Jimmy Kimmel Calls Trump A Tyrant From Nation That Jails Grandmothers For Facebook Memes
LONDON, UK-- Late night host Jimmy Kimmel appeared on British television Thursday to warn viewers that President Trump had turned the United States into a tyrannical nightmare, delivering the message…
Trump Orders Airstrikes On Nigeria After Finally Snapping Over Nigerian Scam Emails
WASHINGTON-- The White House confirmed that President Donald Trump authorized targeted airstrikes on Nigeria after finally reaching his psychological limit following years of incessant Nigerian scam emails promising untold riches,…
