Kash Patel Concludes FBI Would Function Perfectly If Agents Stopped Following His Orders
WASHINGTON-- FBI Director Kash Patel announced Tuesday that the bureau’s recent struggles could be immediately resolved if agents would simply stop following his orders, calling obedience an outdated practice that…
UK Government Reassures Nation Everything Failing Exactly As Planned
LONDON, UK-- The UK government has moved to calm growing public concern by confirming that the catastrophic decline of the United Kingdom is not an accident, not mismanagement, and not…
Fox News Producers Beg Pam Bondi To Go Arrest Someone So They Can Book A Different Guest
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-- Tensions are reportedly high this week after Fox News producers were forced to hold an emergency intervention Thursday, pleading with Attorney General Pam Bondi to go…
CNN Claims Mirror Photo Proves Trump Was ‘Somewhere’ At ‘Some Time’
ATLANTA, GEORGIA-- CNN declared a major breakthrough after analyzing a newly resurfaced photograph showing President Donald Trump standing in front of a mirror, which the network says definitively proves Trump…
Republicans Hail Bipartisan Compromise After Agreeing To Give Democrats Everything They Want
WASHINGTON-- Congressional Republicans celebrated what they called a “historic moment of unity” Friday after reaching a bipartisan compromise in which Democrats received every single policy outcome they requested, while Republicans…
Housing Crisis Worsens As Canadian Government Agrees The Problem Is Not Enough Immigrants
OTTAWA, CANADA-- As more Canadians are being forced to live in their cars and tents, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced that the Canadian government has finally identified that the root…
Scientists Successfully Teach Man In Parrot Costume To Say Swear Words
PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA-- In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking leap in interspecies communication, a team of renowned ornithologists has successfully taught a man wearing a grey parrot costume…
California Bans ‘Assault Matches’ And ‘High-Capacity Lighters’ To Combat Wildfires
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA-- In a move to combat the state's annual wildfire apocalypse, Democrat Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Senate Bill 1488, also known as the "Common Sense Combustion Control…
ICE Lures Somalis Out Of Minnesota Homes Using Lightbulbs Duct-Taped To Broomsticks
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA-- In a bold new tactic meant to ramp up the deportation of illegal aliens, ICE agents have begun duct-taping incandescent lightbulbs to the end of broomsticks and…
European Leaders Deny UK Summit Was Just Another Cocaine-Fueled Gay Orgy
LONDON, UK-- Top officials from across Europe, including Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer, French President Emmanuel Macron, and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, vehemently denied allegations that…
Keir Starmer Reassures Grooming Gang Victims He’s Not Doing Anything To Stop It From Happening Again
LONDON, ENGLAND-- In a move critics called "shockingly tone-deaf," Prime Minister Keir Starmer met with survivors of grooming gang abuse yesterday to reassure them he has no intention of implementing…
Man Who Spent Two Years Calling Republicans ‘Weird’ Shocked To Discover Name-Calling Can Be Hurtful
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA-- During a tearful press conference, Minnesota Governor and former Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz has come forward expressing deep hurt and bewilderment after being called a "retard"…
