WASHINGTON — In an effort to streamline a long-standing bipartisan tradition, the United States government unveiled a new Loyalty Rewards Punch Card program allowing Israel to earn a free Middle East war after every ten purchases of a U.S. Congress member.
The program, administered jointly by the State Department and the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC), aims to reward Israel’s longstanding commitment to influencing American lawmakers through generous campaign contributions and all-expenses-paid trips to Tel Aviv.
“We’ve always appreciated our greatest ally,” said Senator Lindsey Graham at the official launch event. “This just makes it official what us corrupt politicians have already been doing for decades. Once Israel buys ten senators or representatives, they get a free war in the Middle East against the country of their choice. Israel gets free airstrikes on whoever’s next on the list from the world’s most powerful military.”
The initiative introduces a wallet-sized, punch card for prominent pro-Israel lobbying groups, officially guaranteeing that for every ten U.S. Congress members purchased via Super PAC donations, the cardholder can redeem one complimentary, fully-funded U.S. military intervention in the Middle East.
At press time, the U.S. government announced a digital app version of the punch card, which will send push notifications to lobbyists’ phones whenever a newly elected freshman representative is financially vulnerable and ripe for purchase.
