PARIS, FRANCE — In a move historians are calling one of the fastest geopolitical capitulations ever recorded, France formally surrendered to the United States Friday just minutes after U.S. President Donald Trump posted online demanding that Iran offer “UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER.”
The message, which was directed at Iran amid escalating conflict with the U.S. and Israel, was apparently interpreted by French officials as a general suggestion that surrendering might be a good idea.
Despite Trump’s post having absolutely zero relevance to France, President Emmanuel Macron reportedly waved a white flag from the Élysée Palace balcony, declaring the Fifth Republic’s immediate capitulation to avoid any potential misinterpretation.
“We surrender,” Macron declared in tears during a hastily organized press conference as he waved the white flag. “Look, we saw the words ‘unconditional surrender’ and just assumed it was about us. When a global superpower starts shouting about total surrender, France does not wait around to read the fine print. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
France also confirmed it has formally surrendered to Iran as well, reportedly sending a fax to Iran titled “Apology for Whatever We Did and Immediate Surrender.”
After giving it a second thought, Trump decided to accept Macron’s surrender and annex France. As part of the terms of surrender, France has agreed to rename the Eiffel Tower the “Trump Tower Paris” and to supply the US president with a free French fries for life.
