SAN FRANCISCO, CA– Standing inside of the kitchen of his brightly illuminated estate, Governor Gavin Newsom issued a heartfelt “thank you” to the 130,000 San Francisco residents currently sitting in freezing darkness, crediting Californians for making it possible to keep power flowing uninterrupted at his multiple residences in Fair Oaks and Kentfield.
“Let me begin by expressing my deepest gratitude to every family currently eating dinner by candlelight,” Gavin Newsom said, gesturing toward a softly humming industrial generator behind him. “Your willingness to sit in the dark ensures that leadership remains well-lit, climate-controlled, and fully capable of charging every device it owns.”
The governor emphasized that the sacrifices were not in vain, noting that his mansions’ wine fridges, heated pools, security systems, and ambient accent lighting were operating at optimal capacity, which he explained smugly, “When the people go dark, California shines.”
Newsom reassured residents that he personally felt their pain, recalling a brief moment earlier that day when a decorative lamp flickered inside one of his properties, declaring that he felt a real sense of vulnerability for about half a second.
At press time, totally non-biased energy experts appointed by the state praised the governor’s handling of the crisis, calling it “a bold redistribution of electricity upward.”
