TAIPEI, TAIWAN– Taiwan unveiled its new Winnie the Pooh mascot yesterday in response to China taking offense to a few high-profile celebrities mistakenly referring to the self-governed territory as a country instead of China’s little bitch, and even made a cute air force patch.
A spokesman for the Taiwanese government explained that the hiring of the lovable Disney character had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that China’s President Xi Jinping has a striking resemblance to the honey-loving bear or that Winnie the Pooh has been banned from the communist country for mocking its leader.
“Oh yes, this is simply a very big coincidence that we hired Mr. Pooh as our official mascot,” said Su Ming-teh while holding back laughter. “I cannot understand why President Xi is so visibly upset that Winnie the Pooh will now be on every Taiwanese commercial and advertisement all across Asia and will also go on our Taiwan flag. Perhaps President Xi could use a little honey tea to calm his nerves.”
The Chinese government issued a statement explaining that the new Winnie the Pooh mascot is a declaration of war and is giving Taiwan six days to fire the yellow bear and then submit a public apology and to stop posting Winnie the Pooh memes on the official website of the government of Taiwan.
Even though he was not responsible for the hiring of Winnie the Pooh, WWE wrestler John Cena apologized on behalf of Taiwan, saying, “I am very, very, very sorry for what those nasty Taiwanese people have done to China. I beg you to please forgive me, China. I will do anything for China, the greatest country in existence. I love President Xi with all my heart. President Xi is the father I never had and the wife I always wanted.”
